"To wipe all tears from off all faces is a task too hard for mortals; but to alleviate misfortunes is often within the most limited power: yet the opportunities which every day affords of relieving the most wretched of human beings are overlooked and neglected with equal disregard of policy and goodness."
Friday, March 4, 2022
Policy and Goodness
"To wipe all tears from off all faces is a task too hard for mortals; but to alleviate misfortunes is often within the most limited power: yet the opportunities which every day affords of relieving the most wretched of human beings are overlooked and neglected with equal disregard of policy and goodness."
Sunday, October 3, 2021
Thursday, June 17, 2021
The Sharp Stick
Nothing quite so dreary as other people's illnesses, just as there is supposed to be nothing quite so fascinating as our own. Half right. It seems that there are enthusiasts of illness, otherwise perfectly nice, well intentioned people eager to sympathize and condole in the expected way who are also genuinely curious as to the specifics. I can not imagine why. I'm not squeamish as such and practical experience has taught me I can muck in without judgement or disgust beyond the usual, but I am very far from wanting to know any more than is practical to the task at hand. I don't much marvel at the wonders of the gastrointestinal or find the adrenal fascinating, etc. Medicine, like engineering is a closed book to me. Best that things work and when they don't I largely trust to those better educated to repair what's come undone. Happy to sweep up after if that would help, otherwise I'd say everyone's better off if I stay out of the way. As to the inner working of my own much neglected innards, I am not so much indifferent as inattentive. To be sick is a distraction. Pain however is consuming, and all the more boring for being so.
We are most of us largely helpless in the presence of real and persistent pain. Even to witness it is debilitating. I've seen it. So probably have you. What I know of it just now I would hope to forget. Physical suffering makes no memories worth having. We learn nothing worth knowing from it. From it we make cruel nothings: false and cautionary fables, cold monuments to ambition, even colder theologies. Pain makes us cowards. Joy, love, even the memory of comfort, these are what make us brave. The alleviation of pain is noble. Joy divine. Pain is. Nothing to be said for that. Cold as the space between the stars and just as empty.
While the scandalous monetizing of addiction in the past twenty years of pharmaceutical malfeasance may yet prove to have taught us nothing else, it might at least remind us that remediation is no cure. One of the most frustrating parts of my own recent and ongoing experience with serious pain has been the willingness of my doctors and their support staffs to prescribe without examination, bless 'em. Kindly meant. I find I dislike the side-effects of serious pain medications almost as much as I dislike the system that prioritizes everyone's time but mine over treatment and diagnosis. It seems there is a way things are done; as inexorable as an algorithm, and as grinding as a Wagnerian explaining Parsifal -- again. Meanwhile, try this cream, pill, ointment, pillow, prayer. "We apologize for the additional wait time..." All I find I want is to be done talking on the phone, and no, I shouldn't like to try a different pill.
I should like to see a doctor.
It's a cliche to say that pain makes a body selfish. Illness of any kind I think does that -- thus it's unhappy reputation as a topic of conversation outside of nursing homes. Better to say that pain has made me impatient with my own good manners. For fear of offense and or causing unspecified trouble, I do not like to bother even the poor souls whose job it is to book appointments with doctors they will nowadays never meet. (If you are in any kind of Health Care System bigger than a veterinary clinic you are not likely to talk more than once to anyone you may know unless and until some anonymous soul has "booked" you an appointment to do so. This is now the way of things in the new, more efficient day of "tele-visits" and website messaging.) Aurelius tells us that "... there is a proper dignity and proportion to be observed in the performance of every act of life." What pain does to dignity doesn't bear reviewing, honestly. Suffice it to say the Emperor would not approve. After an hour trying to rebook a canceled colonoscopy, Zeno would weep with frustration. Since my complaint began last February I have had more graphic and unpleasant conversations with total strangers and described my symptoms to people who seem never to read charts more times than I would ever have thought possible. Worse, I have carried on so shamelessly in emergency rooms (rebranded as "Urgent Care" without apparent irony) I wonder I was raised by decent people and allowed to vote in local elections. On at least one occasion, if I'd thought running naked through the gift shop would have got me in any sooner to see a doctor, they would still be looking for my underwear in the greeting cards.
Another tired truism of medical science is that we do not remember the actual sensation of pain, only our relief in its absence or something like that. That's as maybe. Like nearly everything else, pain makes us, or me at least impatient of larger conclusions. That would seem to be the point, or at least mine. Trust me, I will be absolutely thrilled to forget. Looking forward to it. Just now as I finally have a diagnosis and some hope of recovery, I feel I can finally afford to look if not up or forward at least back a little ways, as we say back home. What then do I see in the months behind me?
No work worth doing -- though my illness accounts for only part of that. Furloughed due to the pandemic well before this ugly business in my body started. Nothing made or bettered or shared. When even food becomes something to be feared and sleep a rare thing, one does not much care to make art, darling. So be it. I've never needed so good an excuse to not do good work. I am weirdly proud to say that my personal hygiene suffered less than it might have done, all things considered. It is in just such pathetic victories that the ill can still find pride, sad to say. My already limited contact with the world -- see the afore mentioned pandemic and furlough -- quickly became an almost willful isolation from even the rudiments of human contact. I made myself spend time on social media. I made myself call a sick friend, phone my elderly mother, write letters when I was well enough to sit up. I tried not be utterly cheerless in the company of beloved husband, himself not in the best of health now.
What else? Curiously, and this may well be the only interesting thing I will have had to say in this whole exercise, I found I could not give a sitting, walking, or running damn about the fate of Dorothea Brooke or any other fictional person. In all other illnesses, at nearly any other time when I have had both enforced leisure and sleepless nights, novels have been my better friends. Somehow being in physical pain made me quite unsympathetic to the psychic pain and even the mortal danger of characters I otherwise love sometimes better than real people and always better than most people's pets or children. (Not yours, dear, you know how I love them.) For whatever reason not being able to find a comfortable position in which to sit or stand or stretch-out made me look on imaginary persons both on the page and when broadcast as just so many empty cyphers; nothing but shadows on the wall, thin and as empty of meaning as a Republican's promise of equality before the law. The experience was most disconcerting and new.
What I did read, what I still am reading has been history, old, dusty, obsolete history of a kind written when prose mattered and assumptions were made that would now bring a blush to a Tory. I do not recommend this to sensitive young persons. You have other, better priorities and much bigger problems to address. I am aware the world, for example is burning. I do not expect to have my enthusiasm widely shared. I read historians of an earlier age not because I find comfort in Empire or because I believe in the inevitability of progress or any of that sort of antique sentiment. When I read the old historians usually I do so because they wrote well and what they wrote had in their own day some influence for good. I read them normally as I read old fiction, always aware that good and even great writing was never done by perfect and seldom even wholly good men -- and yes it was mostly men, particularly writing history. I think during my illness that somehow the very quality of obsolescence in everything I read was soothing to me. Pain robs us of any future but its end. The present is unbearable mostly. The past, and specifically the company of the dead describing the even longer gone gave me something I can only think was a kind of distance. I wanted nothing so much as to not be where and as I was, and where and as I sadly still largely am. What better company than ghosts? Who else have I been fit for?
And so at three in the morning I went to Ramillies, and I shook my head at the fate of Scythians, and followed the progress of Corn Laws and wondered again at the abstinence of ascetics and the obstinacy of kings and the duplicity of politicians and the touching decency, now and then, of even exalted people. And none of it mattered and all of it mattered and none of it matters now and some of it still does. I was distracted as best I could be from what's been happening in my body by what seems to have mattered most to men long dead. Carlyle said, "Happy the people whose annals are tiresome," but nobody writes much of that, do they? But then all history becomes a bit tiresome over time (and in nearly every classroom) and so maybe that is why it's given me rest.
More though, reading old history has reminded and reassured me that indeed there are and have always been other people in the world. Other people, real people suffered and triumphed and loved and felt joy. Other people after them found all of this important enough to record it and to be inspired and comforted by it. None of them it seems were wrong even when they might have been in the details. Life seems to go on even when we can't quite imagine why it should. There's a kind of hope in that, isn't there? Easy to forget that, rocking back and forth in the wee hours. I don't have to talk to them, these other people, which is convenient, 'cause these are all dead and I'm not much in the mood. Not to be churlish, but none of them can ever be interested in my bowels or ask me if I've had a good night which I haven't. Maybe that's what pain has reduced me to, I can sympathize with no one but the dead. Certainly it's made me a bit grim, hasn't it?
Apologies. Where are my manners? I am not myself.
They also used to say where I grew up that something unpleasant was "still better than a sharp stick." Sometimes we read to not be alone. Sometimes we read because we find we are not very good company even to ourselves. Better days? Still better.
Saturday, May 30, 2020
Daily Dose
From A Little History of Poetry, by John Carey
OF ALL
"Of all world-famous poets none is less likely to appeal to the modern reader than Dante Alighieri (c. 1265 - 1321)."
From Chapter 5, Continental Masters of the Middle Ages: Dante, Daniel, Petrarch, Villon
Sunday, March 8, 2020
Daily Dose
From No Stopping Us Now: The Adventures of Older Women in American History, by Gail CollinsACCEPTABLE
"Writing was an acceptable calling, since it could be done within the confines of the home, but the number of writers who made money was tiny. There weren't really any nonliterary professions for women. Even in1870, almost all the women who worked for wages outside the farm were either domestic servants or laborers in factories. We can presume that most of them weren't looking forward to continuing their employment into old age."
From Chapter 4, The Mid- 1800s, "Travel Cheerfully Toward the Sunset!"
Saturday, March 7, 2020
Daily Dose
From Eric Hobsbawm: A Life in History, by Richard J. Evans
AFTER
"After reading twelve pages of Lenin he noted: 'Astonishing how that cheers me up and clears my mind. I was in a total good mood afterwards.' This is not the feeling that most people have after ploughing through Lenin's theoretical works."
From Chapter 2, 'Ugly as Sin, but a Mind', 1933-1936, II
Friday, March 6, 2020
Daily Dose
FAKES
"These modern hoaxes are useful, not because they reveal some sort of scientific truth that we can impose onto the past, but because they remind us that although observant medieval people attached great importance to bleeding things, they did not necessarily accept such happenings without skepticism."
From Blood
Wednesday, February 26, 2020
Daily Dose
IN THE COURSE
"In the course of their discussions, they considered myriad familiar topics, along with some unfamiliar ones."
From Chapter 5, Expecting Great Things
Tuesday, February 25, 2020
Daily Dose
HARD
"It was hard to pierce Robert de Montesquiou's carapace -- and he wouldn't have wanted you to."
From page 194
Thursday, November 21, 2019
Daily Dose
From A History of the Thirty Years Peace, Volume 1, by Harriet Martineau
FEVER
"The fever-fit of triumph had not yet been followed by the cold torpor of exhaustion."
From Chapter 1
Friday, July 26, 2019
Daily Dose
MINOR
"The baby , being swaddled by a nurse, was named after her mother and became Julia Agrippina Minor. The Romans never were very inventive with their names."
From Chapter One: Daughter
Sunday, July 21, 2019
Daily Dose
NOW
"Now, however, this ancient Platonic ice was beginning to melt. Most people might still be defined by their membership in large hereditary groups, but some were becoming mobile. Wandering scholars and troubadours, traders and Crusaders, itinerant preachers and country folk moving to the city -- all were developing a new sense that, no matter what universal class they belonged to, their individuality mattered."
From Chapter 3
Thursday, July 18, 2019
Daily Dose
From The Big Oyster: History on the Half Shell, by Mark KurlanskyLIKE
"Like bordellos, oyster cellars catered to different clientele depending on the neighborhood. Also as with bordellos, the menu was always similar, but the atmosphere and presentation greatly varied."
From Chapter Seven, The Crassostreasness of New Yorkers
Saturday, July 13, 2019
Daily Dose
From Cruising: An Intimate History of a Radical Pastime, by Alex Espinoza
GRIFFITH PARK
" It seems everyone I knew has at least one story to share about cruising Griffith Park (except me)."
From Chapter 6, Cruising Computers
Saturday, June 1, 2019
Daily Dose
From Winter in Majorca, by George Sand, translated by Robert Graves
MONASTERY DESTROYED
"In my view, however, an Inquisition monastery torn down by the people's hand is a no less stirring page of history than a Roman aqueduct or amphitheatre."
From Chapter Ten
Wednesday, April 17, 2019
Daily Dose
FRANCO
"Franco, for the most part, was a successful liar."
From Chapter 11, Speaking Christian
Monday, March 25, 2019
Tuesday, February 12, 2019
Daily Dose
FULL
"America's prior record of assuring the full measure of individual rights and liberties of free people, let alone benevolent assimilation, is hardly something that could be expected to comfort the Filipinos."
From Chapter Seven, A New Addiction, Prohibition and the Rise of the Gangster
Sunday, February 10, 2019
Daily Dose
NAMING
"The naming of units of measurement was of course one of the first orders of business in early civilization -- the cubits of the Babylonians were probably the first units of length; there were the unciae of the Romans, the grain, the carat, the toise, the catty -- and the yard and the half yard, the span, the finger, and the nail of early England."
From Afterword: The Measure of All Things
Friday, February 1, 2019
Daily Dose
AFTER
"After 2002 weavers in the region outside Kabul added a further genre that might be termed 'War on Terror' rugs."
From Afghan War Rugs, page 176
















