The View From Her Chair

My mother put buttons in her lamps. Lots of buttons. She and my late father used to go to auctions. All the auctions. They bought a lot of what Dad called, “junk”: dishes and cutlery and furniture, collectibles, antiques, linens, ceramics, picture frames and… stuff. And, yes whenever she saw them, my mother bought buttons. Dad sold the things they bought to supplement his limited retirement income, first at yard sales, then from the building he put up to sell the stuff. They cleaned and polished and painted and made everything nice and then they sold what they’d cleaned.

Mother sold buttons, but she kept more than she sold. She’d seen a picture in a magazine or on tv of a clear glass lamp with buttons in it. It looked pretty. So she filled her lamps with buttons. 

What she did not see was that first the people making these pretty button-lamps put Styrofoam in the center and then scattered the buttons around the all but weightless middle. Not Mum. My mother filled her lamps with buttons. Hundreds of buttons — maybe thousands. Very pretty, but her lamps are heavy. Big lamps to start, then filled with buttons. I mean really heavy. Hard to lift heavy. I’ve carried good sized dogs and toddlers that weigh less than my mother’s lamps.

At some point someone pointed out her mistake. Too late obviously. The buttons were already in there. So many buttons. No point complaining now. Besides, might be quite valuable some day, all those buttons.

“Your inheritance,” she called them.

Actually she has used that joke a lot. She bought new chair a year ago. It’s a really nice chair. Just her size; like doll furniture. Little gray chair. Put a throw-pillow on it — with a brightly colored rooster on it, naturally. Loves chickens. Can’t have too many roosters. Rule of thumb. (On entering her house for the first time the boyfriend of her devoted hairdresser was once heard to remark, “Somebody really loves cocks!”) Now, I’ve sat on the new chair and it is perfectly comfortable other than how close it sits to the floor. Also the arms only come up to my hip not my elbow. I’m short and it’s still too low. Nobody sits in that chair. Like new. Just say you like it. It’s yours.

If you like something in her house — if you like anything in her house — if you admire a vase or a picture (or a button lamp) she says she’ll put your name on it. Be careful though, she may just make you take it. The Nurse’s Aide commented on the antique spoon collection. Went into a bag. Big bag. Went. Don’t protest. Let it happen. Mum’s ninety-two. Just do what she tells you. Take the spoons.

I know what I’m taking when she dies. I want her Tupperware saltine cracker box. It is perfect. Keeps the crackers crisp. She won’t let me have it yet. She likes saltines.  But she’s put my name in it. She goes — I get the Tupperware saltines cracker box, but not before. My inheritance.

Years ago a friend told me that as we die our things are drawn closer, as if by the gravity of the situation. What to do with that bureau -- which we none of us noticed an hour ago? Who will have my china? May we donate shoes? That chair’s like new. Take this. Counterintuitive isn’t it? True though. One would think the end is about letting things go but that is a function of living, or living well, in community, with love. Dying is about what we can reach, see from here, note, fix. Dying is a test of strength, it’s agitation; the body reflexively grasping to slow the inevitable losses. Dying is holding on.

More, when one is ill the scope of things narrows and it matters what is on the nightstand, when the one thing needed isn’t by the chair, that the lamp seems to move further away each day and that the switch isn’t where it should be. The scissors need to be — so. My glasses go — here.

From her chair my mother can see a fragment of leaf or a knot of lint on the carpet a yard away. Usually she notices these things again mid-stride while being helped back and forth between rooms. “What is that?” — dead-stop. This is how heels get stepped on. This is home healthcare bumper cars.

These things matter nonetheless. It matters that the flowers on the cup face forward when it’s put back on the sink, that she reads her newspaper with a bandanna spread across her bosom so as not to get ink on her blouse. It matters that her things are clean and where she expects them to be. There’s a tiny porcelain dish for her pills because she can see them in it and fish them out with her fingers. The pillows on the porch-swing need straightened. That is not where her slippers go, and the left shoe, it just stands to reason, should be to the left of the right one.

It may seem so, but honestly she is not being fussy. She used to be, you understand, fussy. Not now. Back in the day when she was working two jobs and cleaning other people’s houses and dorm rooms and looking after old people and raising her kids and other people’s kids as well, she was fussy about whatever she had the time and energy to fuss about. Hated dirt and disorder unsurprisingly as her days were spent cleaning other people’s messes. She fussed about our appearance and our manners and our intentions as every day she saw other people behaving thoughtlessly, being slovenly, making more work for women like her, more mess to clean up. Makes sense doesn’t it?

Didn’t see it at the time, possibly couldn’t have, being kids and therefore thoughtless, messy, greedy, selfish. See it now though.

And then everything slowed down considerably and her kids were grown and gone and eventually all of her old people died and then she was old and so was he and then he died and she was alone. “ Now I just clean to keep busy,” she told me at the time. It didn’t matter in the same way. Now it mattered because time needed to be made to keep moving. Muscle and bone mattered more than the specific use made of them. Just move. Get on with it. Go on. (Nearer the end and my mother sounds like Beckett suddenly.)

Asked her opinion of what’s to be done “after,” which is the word one uses rather than death, my mother says the most extraordinary thing. There are just the two of us and it is late, already dark for hours. We’ve watched a movie and made popcorn which was probably not a good idea for either of us. Maybe that’s a different night altogether. Nights smear across months and days fall into the same spaces that repeat like pill-cases — and who remembers before this was true? But then we are talking about death and hers specifically and what needs to happen then.

“Do what you have to. You’ll know. It’ll be hard,” she says. She knows whereof she speaks. “You’ll be fine.”

That’s our inheritance.

Who knows how long those buttons will stay in the lamp? Who will want that little chair? Won’t matter. Really never did except, however briefly to her and so to me, to us.

My house is full of books. These are my books. For years now, decades, the assumption has been that should my considerably older husband somehow outlive me (look at me — it could happen) he will ask one of my friends in the used books business to come out to the house with a truck and all the books will go. I’m fine with this. My books matter to me because they are my books. I have excellent taste. Some of my books are valuable of themselves but not many. A number are rare but none belong in a museum. I own books because I read books. I read my books. When I die my books will find other readers or they won’t. I won’t be here. I will not care. I did think my friends might be invited to browse my shelves and take a book in memory of me but now I write that and I blush. What a grim sort of wake that sounds! You know someone’s taking a Quixote they’ll never read because it looked pretty and it was getting late and oh, hell, just pick something. Shiver. No. Sell the lot.

And then my husband takes an unexpected sentimental turn in this our forty-first year together and says no, he would want to keep my books. He says that he would want to come and sit with them and remember me by them and I am more touched than I can possibly explain — but no, right?

And then I remember that I will not be here in this scenario. Exit, stage left pursued by bear. Gone. My books will cease to be my books the minute I cease to be. Then they will be his books and he can do with them exactly as he pleases.

All of the things, our things that are drawn up after us, the things we drag in our wake, what becomes the debris of our passing, matters now not then. This penknife matters to me because it is beautiful and practical and belonged to my late uncle and was given to me by my brother. The object is useful and pleasing but its only meaning comes from having been given away and remembered.

Is this all too obvious? Have I not said something useful even if I’ve said nothing original? 

The nature of my inheritance is such that most of it need never be stated at all. My inheritance, ours, is understood already or it’s wasted. It is in and of us, gifts from our mothers, memories of all those that raised us, made us, loved us, left us. Mustn’t waste it.

And in the meanwhile I buy more books and covet a Tupperware saltine cracker box, and wonder just how many buttons can be in all those big lamps. And now my sister in law Kris puts my mother’s slippers just so and cleans her glasses and puts them where they belong and turns the handle on the mug the right way as, unlike her youngest son, my mother is right handed.

“Do what you have to. You’ll know. It’ll be hard.” I will see to it. We will. We’ll be fine. Take this. Call it a gift. Our inheritance.